Monthly Archives: January 2012

I am the little girl

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Everytime I go see my dad everyone thinks I am my mom

Including my dad

“Oh, Judy” he always says to me. “I love you”

Everyone there will smile and ooze at me , they all love my mom, the way she brings the sunshine in and touches everyone even the forgotten and the unresponsive

I don’t do that. I am a little angry under the surface when I am there. I am sorta friendly but not as much as I am in the other world where people are well. Maybe I am not  a good person after all.

I am even a little suspicious. Are you good to him?

and then I have to say- if only because I have no idea who they are and what our inside jokes and understandings might be

“I am Fraser’s daughter”

Oh your mom, the staff say, she is so lovely and strong and it is always said to me when I have eyes so full of tears, not yet on my cheeks but don’t push it, if you are too kind or gentle with me they will spill everywhere. It might be messy.

And I feel like saying-

“Don’t you see, I am the little girl. I am just the little girl. It is not my turn yet to be so grown up. I am not my mom, I am not that strong yet. I need more time.”

And then I think of my friends who have lost parents and I think- get a grip, be a big girl. Sometimes I can sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I think he has taken one for the team to bring us all up a little. Click here for this thought I am entertaining to try to cope with the whole thing

love is all you need

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‘All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.’

the beatles (you had to ask?)

 ok ok  I sense you are pissed at my simple sentimentality

but seriously- if you have love- that new pair of boots is FANTASTIC. If you have love you have something to fill that 9,000 square foot house. If you have love, you can soar and anything can happen and will.

But if you have no love**, then they are just boots and empty rooms.

One of my very favourite quotes on this is from a fiery philanderer and artist  by the name of Pablo Picasso. I just love the way he said this and so I cut it out and put it on a tray that I made so I can think about it every day.  Click here for words for wednesday and tell me you don’t agree……

*** Do I have to remind all of you that love is good from any perfect source ? I am not talking about romantic love (although that is a total bonus) – this is not necessary to define us (although a total bonus- let me repeat).

Love is everywhere.

(Be gentle with me, I get up at 5.)

life is so fascinating

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Life is so fascinating

This is what I have been trying to say to myself for the past 5 years.

 death, conflict, aging parents, growing children, divorce I guess I am talking about LIFE.

The longer you live it, Life  will take you to deep corners of places you may have never been.

Sadness heartbreak disappointment elation glory adversity joy regret depression excitement relief surprise marvel fascination self loathing pity disillusionment trust excitement denial defensiveness recklessness hedonism hatred love indifference confusion freedom confinement responsibility

I have been trying to say ‘life is so fascinating’ when something hard happens, when something feels sad or catastrophic or impossible. If matter and experience have no meaning without the label we place on them, then maybe renaming things will change the way we look at things.

If you can see all of life as rich and fascinating, you feel you have it by the balls rather than the other way around.

Try it and let me know how you do. It is not easy.

I spent this past weekend trying to rename my life and where I am going. We did a soul searching workshop at my annual book club weekend. Click here for what we learned or lets face it, more importantly what we ate