Backfilling is when something is leaving the ‘front door’ of your life and you pull replacement in through the back door of your life in order to make up for the loss.
In talking to people who have had affairs, they say they become invisible to each other. That in a failing marriage with passion, love and attention flying out the front door, escaping through the drafty floorboards, the old roof and the window seams – the gardener may be invited in through the back door of your life, for a lemonade, a kiss, maybe more. Or the tennis pro, or your boss, or your subordinate or the lonely widow down the street. And the same for him; he needs to backfill what has slipped through his hands , what is no longer in his life, his foundation.
I don’t fully understand the moment and I am not sure I want to when someone decides this is what they should have rather than work on what they do have but I don’t either believe the notion that “she was a bored housewife so she had an affair” or ‘he was looking for something else’.
But I really do understand the notion of backfilling.
When my children got less little and I realised I was not going to have any more I started to backfill with other people’s littles through my art program. They feed my soul, keep me young and happy.
Silence is good for me but only in juxtaposition with noise.
This is going to be the last year with my oldest daughter at home. Next year I am thinking I need to backfill big time.
Anyone know a beautiful, happy, kind and positive teenager who needs a home?
I didn’t think so.
Hi Nancy … hmmmm …. interesting (for lack of a better word) leap … from wondering about affairs to filling the gap that your oldest teenager will leave next year. Please let me say this … someone doesn’t “decide” that this is what they “should have rather than working on what they do have”. I would almost guarantee that most affairs occur at some point AFTER one of the spouses HAS tried their very best to work on on what they have, but the other spouse either chooses not to see a problem or isn’t interested in doing “the work” together. Kind of tough to fix something on one’s own when it relates to both people.
Debbie I make leaps in my writing as you know all the time- I wondered for a bit if this would be better 2 posts rather than 1 but went for it anyway. I do see LOSS as LOSS (empty nest or loveless marriage even though they are different things) – and that when there is a huge void, we need to fill it with something. You are very right about the trying VERY hard- I give everyone that credit which is why I don’t like the bored housewife label. Not just ‘kind of tough to fix on one’s own’- impossible- and I know that myself.
I still say there is a moment when a decision is made- it does not imply that they have not exhausted every other possibility. But explain to me if it is not a decision what is it?
Thank you for commenting and letting me know when you don’t like what I have said. I would love to have you guest write on this topic!