being a grown up

One of my first moments when I felt like a grown up was when I was going out when my children were toddlers and I was really dressed up and I kissed my girls good bye and they said “Mommy, you look really pretty. And you smell so good”

I felt like a mother. It made me think of how safe I felt as a little girl being tucked in by my mom and dad as they went out all dressed up. Like grown ups.

Once, a few years ago,  when we were lost on a road trip- I screamed “where the hell are we?”

My sassy one said “You are the grown up. You are supposed to know.”

My ex husband used to do all the driving ( because he loved it) had a innate sense of direction (all men seem to) , all the BBQ ing, all the fixing and all the putting together of complicated things, all the lifting of all the heavy stuff.

You come to rely on this.

Soon after we split  we were on the Courtney Campbell Causeway (have three tequila shots and then say 10 times quickly- sounds like a drinking game to me)  in Florida and I got badly lost. Then I drove onto one of those no enter roads with spiky things to wreck your tires and pulled over for a long overdue tantrum.

“Your dad used to do all the driving. He always knew where he was going. I am lost”

Well if that isn’t a metaphor I don’t know what is. Only really the reverse was true, I just did not know it in the moment.

Soon the three of us were crying and nice trucker with 18 wheeler knocked on window with large kleenex box and gave us directions.

Rough little angel that he was.

It is hard to be a grown up sometimes. And even harder to admit that you are still a little girl at others.

I had a wonderful grown up moment recently. And I did not cry but it was heartwarming. Click here for the story I will call “peanuts envy”

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