tool box


In the overwhelming early days, I took all the areas of my life and divided them up into categories and then thought of what I needed to do in all of those areas to be better than fine. Next I thought of who and what would help me get there. I assigned at least two people to each area (they likely did not know this- it was a subtle paying attention to them and seeking out their advice). It was hard for me but my mom  told me it is generous to accept or even ask for help. It is a way of letting your  people in, letting them be important and to play a role in getting us back on track.

For physical- I decided I wanted to change my adjectives. I did not want to be of average build anymore; I wanted to be strong and fit. I wanted to be able to carry the load I had been dealt. Gym membership must be used and my workout had to be more difficult than it had been.  Discipline had been lacking-so when my beautiful friend Barb came to pick me up at 6am 4 times a week with the seat warmer on in the passenger seat, I knew I had to get my jiggly butt out of bed. Interestingly, the days that I would go to a hard spin class, were also the days I could take on anything. I have come to believe that emotional strength and physical strength feed voraciously off of one another.

Spiritual At times  it would seem like the praying I was doing more resembled begging. I wondered if God might be pissed off at me for only coming to him in my darkest hours. My dreams were vivid and poetic; pointing to solutions, showing the direction I needed to take, all rich like low budget Indy films. Magic filled the hardest days-every solution I needed fell from the sky and each day was jammed with coincidence and possibility. These days my addiction for daily magic was started. Flat and static days no longer did it for me. I needed the crack cocaine of miracles-so I had to keep feeding it and remain ever open to it. My serious habit required full energy, involvement and belief in possibilities.

Legal This is a boring but heavy topic which is too expensive to talk about. Suffice to say, I pushed forward and a small, unremarkable white envelope popped through my mailbox on February 9th 2009, saying I was divorced.

Romantic Laura took me to the cliffs in Muskoka to jump-I am afraid of heights and passing jagged rocks at high speeds, so I did not participate. She cut me a deal. If I wasn’t going to jump I was going to have to start dating. As she says, do something that scares you everyday. The cliffs suddenly looked like a cakewalk.

Financial Debt from my marriage sat on me like a rock.It was hard to be productive with such a burden. I borrowed the money from a family member to kill the debt and its terrifying interest. A weight was lifted immediately. I felt I could get somewhere. I changed nothing for a year- I would not sell the house, my eldest would stay in her beloved school and I would work my butt off to see what I could do.  15 months later I repaid the loan  with interest,  in the presence of my bank manager who cried, saying she was so impressed with my story and tenacity. In reality, I knew that she seriously doubted that I could do it all. Her doubts made me work harder.

Work I had work that I loved but it was part time and the earnings were not sufficient to carry myself and my family. I wondered about the stress that a new full time job  would put on me and my children during these difficult days. My best friend, a wise and logical businessperson with an MBA and loads of common sense, met with me every Wednesday night to discuss my options. She looked at my present business and told me that it was poised to grow and could do so quickly.  She was right. I was able to continue doing what I loved and work from home.  I highly recommend doing what you love -it always gives you everything you need.

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