You are my mom and I am watching you

Today is your birthday and every day of every year, ever since I got smart, I am watching you.

I want to take every bit of goodness from you and make it mine. I want to accept challenge the way you do, I want to be cheerful that way you are, I want to embrace my time alone when it is upon me, the way you do, I want to be inquisitive and smart and forward thinking the way you are.

I want to prepare dinner the way you do, even leftovers made so pretty on silver and with linens, and make beds the way you do. I want to iron my sheets the way that you do , I want to continue to learn and ask questions the way you do.

I see the way you carry yourself. I see the way you handle yourself. I see the way you have not felt sorry for yourself that you and dad did not get to be with each other in the way that you should have these last 13 years. You make your preserves and banana bread like an old fashioned girl but you sometimes wear leather pants and often one orange shoe and one pink one. You are a lady but can laugh at the dirty joke. You are generous but private. You skinny dip, you eat everything put in front of you, you have no allergies or sensitivities, you break rules, you laugh like a lion’s roar and smile and talk to strangers. 

You have amazing style. You love people. You are brave and humble. You threatened to give bare bottom spankings with a wooden spoon to all the mean kids at school when we were little. You found a dime in grade 4 and returned it to the office. You pack horribly for trips in little tiny bags but never complain that you have brought the wrong thing. You walked the entire city of Manhattan a few weeks ago for days and never asked to sit down or slow down. I took your arm at one point – the way they do in Italy- to show tenderness and pride- this is my mom, look at her, isn’t she amazing- and you were pissed  thinking I was treating you like an invalid. When you share a bed you take up no space and sleep like a little princess, still and quiet in the corner- never stealing sheets or thrashing about the way that I do. A friend calls you no mess no fuss– because you can go anywhere and do anything and take up no space and never complain.

When difficult things happen you  find them fascinating. You are able to smile at adversity and carry on. You make every table beautiful, every room alive and every moment fun. You listen well and deeply, you are full of tenderness and solutions. You know how to make pastry.

You are my mom and I am watching you.

(but if one more person asks me if you are my younger sister, you might go missing)

God, I love me a party sandwich or 15. Who needs crusts anyway- its all chew chew chew and dry dry dry. I loved celebrating you at  high tea where I got to eat too many of them- after all normally you have to go to a funeral for them.