romantic tragedy

My children love to watch romantic comedies and although they can be  fun and tidy the way they end so happily, tucking you into bed with a smile on your face, most of them are close to awful. We recently watched When Harry Met Sally (me -for easily the 10th time-but not in many years) and I forgot how well written it was. Inevitably the ending makes me cry. You remember it-Billy Crystal’s character, after years of fooling himself that he does not want to commit and that he is not in love with Meg Ryan’s character, suddenly decides he cannot live without her. It is just before midnight on New Year’s eve and he, after knowing her for 12 long years, runs for several city blocks to tell her he loves her. “When you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone,” he says breathlessly ” you want the rest of your life to start right away.”

All my friends know this line off by heart.

I wondered during this recent viewing if the heart ever says – this is not for me, this kind of love.  Watching for the first time as a divorced person,  I wondered if some cry because it is touching and  and some cry because they feel they can’t have this. They think- this only for the young  who have never felt a broken heart?

My dear friend sent me an email the first year I separated. She had just returned from her cousin’s second wedding. The cousin had been dumped abruptly and unkindly after several years of marriage and three children. I never understand why it is important for someone to say “I never loved you” and yet many like to throw that salt into the wound. Regardless  of this solid attempt at breaking her heart, her heart stayed open. She always remained positive and sure she would find love again. And she did.  I don’t see this as a   coincidence.

Does this attitude have an expiry date? Could you go to 70 or 80 years of age, heart wide open? There are some people, I fear both married and divorced, who see the moment in the movie and say  “that is artful and sweet but I know better-this does not exist” .

The last line of my friend’s email to me, which early on I re-read often, was ” I look forward to your next love story.”

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8 thoughts on “romantic tragedy

  1. The key is trying to learn HOW to keep your heart open…3 yrs later and I still haven’t mastered that one.

    • there is no mastering here I am sure-it is likely more of an attitude that things happen for a reason and that we all deserve love. Like all the other things we do and have done that are difficult – keeping the heart open is one of them. Sometimes easy, sometimes a daily chore and sometimes the world’s hardest thing. We have to keep the faith in this. Otherwise you are giving that over to your failed marriage. Don’t do it.

  2. In Chinese – two words form the word ‘happiness’ . The two words are ‘open heart’.

  3. Nancy,

    Having only been in love twice in my lifetime (fortunately) I have come to the realization that not only is it, as the saying goes, “….better to have loved and lost than never have loved……” I also believe that having been in love and then having it torn away will makes you, as Sye Sperling once said, “an educated consumer is our best customer”. You will become a better consumer for love. You will know what to look for. What you can live with and what you can not. I truly believe everyone can benefit in a loving and equal partnership and there is someone out there for everyone. If you have been burned once don’t be shy, be a better consumer.

    All the best,

    DR

      • Giddyup I just finished the Oprah/Ekhart Tolle podcasts on her Spirit Network and everwhere I look I am reminded of his concepts. I like how he distinguishes the difference in knowing oneself versus knowing about oneself, the latter is contaminated with negativity and backward looking the former requiring acceptance of what is.
        I love the “educated customer” notion. Languaging with positivity can often kickstart improving things. I remember somone asking how Ekhart deals with problems. He replied by simply saying that he doesn’t make problems for himself. He admitted that he experiences challenges and dificulties but they fail to become problems because that is not how he sees them. Redefining a problem as a challenge opens up the possibility of acceptance and through acceptance we can find solutions our challenges more efficiently instead of struggling to overcome the emotional trappings tangled up in negativity. How we language things have such a huge effect on whether they are productive or counter-productive. One of my favourite quotes during tough times: ” It was in the depths of winter ifinally learned that within me was an invincible summer”. Albert Camus And as my daddy always said: The patient man rides the donkey.

  4. Idas- I know the age and stage of your two children and I have to tell you I could not string a sensible sentence together at that time. I am impressed with you. Thank you for your thoughtful sentiments and taking the time to share it.

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