I spoke at my dad’s funeral a couple of weeks ago.

It was very hard for me to do. Very. I wanted to so badly, I felt he deserved it and that I needed to do it precisely because it was so so hard and a most meaningful thing I could do for someone so important to me.

At the same time I felt sick to my stomach about it for over a week. It even woke me from deep sleep many nights.

Not only has public speaking been a scary prospect for me but public speaking with the possibility the spilling out of large quantities of emotion, was up there with a life fear.  Would you believe I even googled how not to cry at a funeral. Believe me there is nothing much there that you can grab onto. I thought about picturing everyone in their underwear or naked. But what if that makes me cry?! Sorry. You all don’t look as marvy as I hoped.

Somehow when I spoke at this big ceremony, I was calm, even enjoyed it thoroughly. I felt the love in the room. I felt him sitting there saying “I love you BIG TIME, Nance.” With that twinkle in his eye and his warm smile.

At the reception afterwards a few old friends who knew it was a fear, who happened to also be standing on the beach when I flew up to the clouds at 500 feet  said

Now that you have conquered your fear of heights and you conquered your fear of public speaking, what are you going to conquer next?

Fear of opening my heart completely to someone. I said, quickly, without even thinking.

This will be hardest of all.

Unless it ends up being easy.

this beautiful heart shell I found on the beach cracked open just the other day. Did it happen slowly over time or did it snap open overnight?