My mom and I speak every day. We have become very close over the last several years in a way I never imagined would be possible. It is a gift of the difficulties we have experienced/shared. If life had been straight forward and smooth (of course it never is) we might have never spoken about much beyond recipes and shoes.
Since my dad died about 6 weeks ago, we keep asking each other how is your everything?
I keep saying the same thing.
I feel like myself only fuzzy.
I don’t know what is normal. I don’t know where I am in the process. I don’t know what to make of all I feel and don’t feel.
But I do know that there is an unexpected double loss with the loss.
When he died he came alive for 2 weeks. There were amazing stories about the impact he made on people, funny stories and things he said and did I never knew about.
The man who had been asleep was awake immediately after his death.
And then the day after the ceremony he went back to sleep. Only permanently.
And everyone retreats to their lives as they do. And we go back to ours only for us there is something wide and deep that is gone.
And I feel totally desperate to keep the sides of myself that are like him (oh, let me count the ways) awake.
Wow Nancy – you put this SO eloquently. It is EXACTLY what happens. I find now that when a friends parent or significant other dies, I tend to save my cards and flowers and visits for later….when everyone’s lives have resumed but that person’s is still in mourning.
The fuzz will clear Nanc and he’ll always be ‘alive’ in someway to you. Soon the hard times when he was so ill will fade and you’ll remember the good ones so much more vividly.
I know you know, Sara. I am part of the club now. I am starting to understand xoxo
Beautiful, your love comes through your words.
Thank you Lynne!
Nance, yes, yes, and yes! You got it. Worded so perfectly, the thoughts are deep, the memories grow glorious, and he will never really leave you. Boss…we all loved that name in the best way…because of just who he was. You will always hear that voice. Keep up the good work! From the lady who scares people when bathing suit clad!
xoxxo to you, Judi.