Not everyone loves this. When it comes from the right people and in my hour of need, I welcome it, adore it even. I feel taken care of , watched out for, led around safely by the hand like a toddler crossing a busy intersection. Here are my favourite directives thrown at me in the early days of separation, from my best people;
-re do your bedroom. Immediately. It is the place you start and the place you finish each day.
-put something nice on we are going out.
-cut your hair, you look like an orphan.
-renegotiate your mortgage
-throw out those black pants, they make you look homeless.
-I am coming over every Wednesday night to discuss your future.
-I am setting aside two hours a week to work on graphics for your company.
-you are going to Jamaica for Sam’s 40th birthday. Not everything you do should make sense all the time. It is a gift from me to you and you must take it. And your kids will be staying with us for the week.
– have more fun. Are you having fun? Make sure you are having fun.
-have we talked about fun? We need to make sure you are having fun.
-get your work done. Then have fun.
– What are you doing for fun?
-Hang on, you look like you are having too much fun.
-Have a glass of wine every night.
-I am worried you are having too much wine at night.
I am a recovering WASP trying to emulate a Latina with Buddhist leanings (odd combo), and we are taught to ask permission. I think what we need to do actually is not say ” what can I do to help?” but just do it for the person (this is for inner circle friends and family only-see stadium seating and pity from the playground posse in case you are confused). It is too much of a burden to ask the wounded to figure out what to ask for (although I have gotten plenty good at this) or to feel okay about asking at all. Barge in a little. You will know if you have over stepped and you will be forgiven. You may not forgive yourself for not being useful.
Read – I am wearing the shorts now- new post on urbanmoms flying solo -my other blog.
Nancy
Couldn’t agree more. Get in there and be useful. It is a gift to be able to help someone when they are in need. As we all know, everyone’s turn comes around.
Cheers
Laura
You are right to be honest at any time. That is how you feel. As a single woman who left her marriage after 36 yrs I can add to the list of advice from close friends who knew the reasons why I could not stay any longer eg. refusing to go for individal counseling after many years and tears and begging etc so we could work on the marriage after he did some of his own work.
1. How can you do that to your children?
2. Do you know how lonely he is?
3. Do you know how confusing you are ?
4. You need to pray more, harder and ask for forgiveness as marriage is a sacrament.
5. How can you leave him when he is so vulnerable?
6. Why cant you just put the issues behind you? Ignore them.
7. Do you know what you will lose financially with the house etc?
8. You need to move on and stop crying
9. YOu need to understand that a man thinks differently and the cant express what they need
10. You need to forgive and let go of any need for sex or intimacy because you are getting older anyway.
11. What about your vows?
12 Where is your loyalty?
13. But he does not believe in divorce and honors his vows
14. But he seems like he is shocked. Are you expecting too much?
15. THis is very unfortunate for all the family and now you are hurting the grandchildren. HOw can you do that?
I could go on. It is only my own therapeutic awareness and integrity that kept me together some days .I learned to discriminate who I can safely share grief. I think that no woman leaves without a lot of hurt, disappointment and shame. What is important is that no matter what “we are all angels and we can only fly when we embrace each other?( italian saying ). This difficult time has taught me that when you are vulnerable be careful with those whose own self absorbtion and limitations do not direct your path. Find angels who know the power of embracing so you can fly…Keep your own spirit alive..nourished and positive. And for woman of my age……it is not to late as every day of life is a gift. Maybe my decision will model courage for my adult children to insist on help earlier rather than wait for the other to be READY. This post is amazing…life giving and grace filled. It is an honor to share. Mary Grogan
Pingback: solicited compliments « my family is not broken