I was in Kingston interrogating the good first boyfriend, attending a concert Charlotte was singing in.
I arrived after dinner with daughter and first good boyfriend around 9:30. I was higher than a kite with love for my daughter and her new friend. The day had been ridiculously rich.
We sat in her dimly lit living room for hours and she unravelled herself to me.
Her beautiful family home with floors that creak tenderly with stories and years of memories, will be sold shortly.
She told me her unmarriage story.
I told her mine.
It is very early days and I recognize and remember the sponge like desperation to adopt attitude, understand and make sense of the difficulty. It is a time when we hang off of clear moments like they are our last breath.
A bunch of lessons bubbled up for me to share with her.
-Lean on people but don’t over lean. People give up on you if you don’t come up to the task.
-If you feel rare or pathetic as we all can, remember we are all struggling. Compassion is our greatest gift and greatest form of perspective.
-I forced myself to go to the ‘couples’ dinner parties, approach people who were not my biggest fans (or was that my imagination at the time?), and do every hard thing. This is brilliant and you must do it. Take a deep breath.
-Find those people you admire and push yourself to give them reason to admire you back.
-How do you want to write yourself in this chapter of your life? Graceful? Bitter? Angry? Strong? You get to decide.
-Divorce sits before us like a mountain that appeared out of nowhere. Climbing it will be a challenge. Every day you take a few steps. Before you know it you are at the top and the view is extraordinary from up there.
-Your daughter will be married in a year. Who and how do you want to be in a year? The other woman will be there but that does not take from who you are and what you have.
There were three of us in the room. Two were divorced. We are both happier than we have ever been. I asked her to entertain the notion that her greatest happiness might be ahead. Reframing is very powerful. It can change your present and your future.
I have been writing this blog for 4.5 years, mainly for me but also for you. The highest compliment is when a person tells you you have made a difference for them. Jane quoted text from many of my posts as we spoke. She is using this blog as a tool, a friend, a confidant. I feel so useful. If the rest of you unsubscribe tomorrow all of it will have been worth my while.
The next morning I gave her this.
words have power
When she opened it she cried as she stroked the blue leather.
It is a journal for her to write in.
Writing has both saved and made my life, Jane.
I look forward to reading your happy ending middle xoxo