the motherhood chaser

A chaser is something sweet to follow something hard, something bitter or difficult.

But what is the chaser to my sweetest gulp?

Motherhood has been my greatest journey. And now I am working myself out of that full time job.

Motherhood revealed the best of me and the worst of me. It made sense out of life for me. I swear on my life, my friend pregnant with her first remembers me saying, motherhood is so mind blowingly spectacular, everything even tastes better. (She still jokes I sold her a bill of goods)

I wandered the streets with a dumb look on my face, like happiness had washed over me like a tsunami. One neighbour whose daughter was in my daughter’s JK class told me she found me too much to be around. How can you possibly be this happy with this job, she demanded angrily, as if I should reveal a drug program or a dark side.

Motherhood pushed me outside of every comfort zone, it made me try things I would not have otherwise, it made me braver, more honest, more vulnerable, more crazy, more loving, more instructive, more obnoxious,  and more alive than any other single or combined life force.

Oddly perhaps, both the beauty and the challenge of motherhood made me realize I had to leave my marriage.

12 days ago I dropped off my youngest to her job for the summer. This will be my first time in 19 years without either of them for the whole summer. It is a taste of what is right around the corner as she will follow her sister to Uni in a little over a year.

As I drove away, I was surrounded by that same wide open Northern Ontario sky that has revealed all my questions and answers over the last 12 years.

Alone under that sky with a perfect playlist, I have reviewed the school year, next steps, challenges, problems and even the marriage that was crumbling beneath me. Each of my children’s issues, joys and difficulties lay themselves out before me. My triumphs, my sadness, my excitement and all the changes get turned over in front of me, like a dealer calling my bluff at a black jack table.

There is no lying and no place to hide under that big sky.

I am back to my toolbox to find my motherhood chaser and work like the devil to get it. People who know me know motherhood has been my greatest hour. Now all I have to do is find a taste as miraculous and fabulous.

In the meantime, so far I have not missed them and the last 12 days have been incredible.

Don’t tell the kids.

 

my very best work

 

One thought on “the motherhood chaser

  1. Hey Nancy,
    I just read your post and I am on the same page as you. My children are my best work.
    I have photo’s of them blown up and in frames lovingly displayed on my walls like works of art.
    As I write this my eldest daughter is at work and starting George Brown in September and my youngest is at camp and going into her first year at Western.
    I am a widow of just over 2 years and I am struggling with what to do with the loneliness and quiet.
    Any suggestions?

    Mary xox

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