She never saw it coming. One day after 30 years of marriage she discovered her husband had been having an affair.
He was a simple guy who needed very little to be happy. A bowl of Harvest Crunch with a sliced banana every day . A bike ride in the park was heaven. He was happy, settled and content. Every night he would come home and sit with his wife and talk about each other’s day over cheese and bread and a little cup of wine. He was so attached to his wife- often grabbing her for a tight hug or to declare for no reason at all “gosh, I love this woman” to anyone who would listen. So what was it that made him stray from his wife?
He admits later that although he always loved his life, and always and still loves his wife, that sexually he yearned for more and found it no farther from his life than right there in his office. Not very original.
When his grown daughter realized there was another woman- she called her crying and begging, trying to save her parents marriage, “please leave my father alone”. The mistress said with a most demeaning throaty whisper ” You don’t understand, we are soul mates, we have a deep connection.” The daughter wanted to barf.
Later she went to her dad’s apartment one of several homes he would move into, paint, set up and then move out of in a nomadic and unsettled fashion pointing clearly to how he had lost his footing. While the daughter was there she insisted, with her dad watching quietly, on going through his girlfriend’s underwear drawer and her makeup as though this might give her a real sense of who the house-wrecker was.
The wife went to confront the mistress and the husband, she peeked through the kitchen window and saw a most intimate exchange; the mistress on hands and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor as the husband spoke to her from the couch. We women do the oddest things when everything is falling apart. The wife pushed open the door and had shouted obscenities she did not know she knew. Later, she deeply regretted not throwing the bucket of dirty water at her so she could be exposed as the wet rat.
When the marriage ended, the wife was so sideswiped she went into hibernation. She stopped cooking, cleaning and caring for herself. She had no one to her home for over three years except for her grown children who lived out of town. She hid from family and friends. She rarely went out. Her daughter forced her to try on- line dating and knowing the password she responded to those she thought were suitable on her mother’s behalf. This did not go over well. It sort of blew up. She bought herself “dating clothes” but never actually went out on dates. In the meantime, her ex husband had moved immediately in with the mistress turned girlfriend.
Finally, on the snowiest night of this past winter, she agreed to meet at a restaurant with a big group of friends. Hidden amongst would be a man with whom they wanted to set her up . “It is not a date” she screamed to anyone who would listen. In spite of her desire to sabotage any connection at the onset, they liked each other and chatted much of the evening. She told him she had walked because her car was covered and stuck in snow.
The next morning very early and first thing he drove by her home and knocked on her door with a shovel, asking if he could dig her car out. Call it anything you want, it felt like kindness.
In the meantime, her ex husband grew restless. The man once so satisfied and stable, quit his job twice. He moved from home to home and bought a sports car. He grew a mustache, shaved it, grew a beard, then a goatee and then cut his hair to a stubble. He called his daughter and said “I miss talking to your mom, she was my best friend. Can I call her?”
The mom was spending more time with the nice man with the shovel. She had a big party in her home and invited him and all her relatives. “We are just friends” she screamed to anyone who would listen.
(I am so fascinated by this story of her heart opening -whether this is her great love story or not, as she is coming back to life- that I am going to follow it. Stay tuned for ‘she never saw it coming part 2’ later this spring……………)
You have a book here – I can’t wait for the next chapter.
I am ready- can you find me an agent? so glad you are enjoying-xn
This is a general comment sparked on by reading a number of entries in this blog (which I do enjoy!). Most of us divorced women want to curl up and die for a time period – life had handed us a tough hand to play. While some of us are happier to embark on building a better life, many of us are also bitter and angry. I get that life did not turn out as planned. This sucks. We need to grieve the loss of our dreams, live through the anger, experience it, embrace the sleepless nights (knowing you will sleep again) and feel the pain. But ladies, and I am speaking to all you shattered divorced woman, if we don’t learn from these experiences and look inside ourselves at our role in the demise of our relationship what is the point? Please don’t play the victim. You will only teach your children to play the victim too. Life is an adventure in learning about ourselves. Our children need to LEARN from our mistakes and learning involves knowing and communicating what they are. Retail therapy is good but you need to do the tough work. Only then will we emerge happier, whole, strong and ready to date the lovely ‘shoveler’ who knocked on this women’s door. I would bet that the ex in this story never looked inside himself as to his role in the demise of his marriage…and, so, he still looks outside himself for happiness. I look forward to hearing what happens. May all of you divorced women find a kind shoveler at your front door:) this winter. I wish that, in particular, for one of my friends.
Sue- thank you for the thoughtful response to the post.I could not agree more with “life is an adventure in learning about ourselves” and I love that it is even though it can be tremendously difficult. I also truly agree that we all need to look at the roles we have played and play in all our relationships. Women by nature tend to do this naturally if they are smart, evolved and in touch. My concern is more with the wounded men out there who never deal with the lesson they were meant to learn from. A bit sexist but I think men generally aren’t given a place for all the tough stuff that happens to them or the tools to deal.