This is also Christmas-feisty cat

I got into bed late last night all feisty cat. I had an urge to go downtown and pick a fight with a complete stranger.

I had been to perfect and amazing Carol Service. I had filled two pews with people who adore my daughter. I had my oldest beside me, home from school, singing like an angel and holding my hand throughout, while I silently mouthed the words as a favour to all. I cried (joyful church cry) through Silent Night.

I also had my former sister in law and her family here from England, who I love and am still  close to, in pew #2, right behind me. I felt their love and support throughout.

They came back to ours for wine and cheese and cookies around the tree. It was nice.

But when everyone left I thought to myself

I want my ex husband’s sister to say out loud to my children that she is sorry.  That the way her brother has been as a dad is not good enough. That they deserve better. Some things can go unsaid but not this.  I know she feels this but it must be said and acknowledged. No sweeping under the carpet, no pretending. My BS meter is set very, very low.

It made me think is moral courage letting these feelings I have go, or indulging them?

And then I thought of my dad.

Right or wrong he would have confronted her and said – this is what you need to do, you need to say it out loud.

They will return for dinner Thursday night and today I will ask her for this.

(Dad, I am 99% sure, but if I got this one wrong, send me a sign. Before noon, if you don’t mind)

Pass the salt.

 

8 thoughts on “This is also Christmas-feisty cat

  1. I.love. You. And.your. Honesty.
    If more people would just say what needs saying, so much healing can happen and progress be made.
    Keep that BS meter low. If people want BS they can order a package of from Cards Against Humanity. Nicely boxed too
    Xo
    I

  2. Hi Nancy,

    I really really really appreciated the honesty and open heartedness of today’s blog.

    Peace and love to you, sister.

  3. This is a tough one
    I took my ex-mother in law it for brunch last weekend. I have had my kids straight for 24 days straight as Thier father is too “busy” yet I have missed him by a moment at a xmas party and heard about his squash games.
    I wanted his mother to tell me she was sorry, I want my pain validated by his direct family.

    However I have learned that direct family has a twisted loyalty and in these cases I can only repeat the Serenity prayer in my head.. Sometimes I do a headstand…my blood flows backwards and I need to concentrate on nothing but balancing… It ALL goes away

    • This is wonderful and having your own peace is critical. In the end I did ask her for what I wanted ‘for Christmas’ and got it. It was good, hard and important for me to have this said out loud for my children. It was just too fake to keep it all unsaid. That pink elephant was going to try to trample us otherwise. xo

  4. It is sad that your daughters did not get different fathering, Nancy. But your point has always been that your family is not broken. Are you spending any of your time regretting, today? If so, why? Should your ex-SIL be doing it?

    You have a 1% doubt over this. So do I. My doubt can’t be any more than that, and maybe should be less, because I’m not there and all I know of you and your daughters is your blog, of which I read every instalment. But if I were in your daughters’ place I would not want to hear what you want your friend to say and, as a result, spend a single instant feeling sorry for myself, or wondering if I might have turned out a better person if things had been otherwise. Thoughts like these are painful, and it is not the kind of pain that helps you grow.

    You know much better than I what needs to be said and done. Perhaps you are right to go with the 99%, this time. Or perhaps the 1% doubt means this is the time for you to talk to your friend, yes, but be open as to an outcome.

    With much gratitude for all you have shared with us.

    • Thank you Toby. 99% is pretty certain in my books and it was the right thing to do given the details of the situation. She agreed wholeheartedly and tried her best. Saying things out loud is not about regretting or pointing to a brokenness, it is, for me, about the culture of transparency that I have been trying to create.
      It has not been a different fathering, it has been an absence of fathering. I can’t stand pretending and that is what not saying anything felt like.
      With much gratitude for the opportunity to share with you. xo

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