I recently heard a podcast where the host set out to prove that the 7 things her mom said you should never discuss actually can be fascinating. If you get a chance to listen, do, as it is great. if you don’t, I have added my own take, so commit these to memory. Because, mainly they are very true.
1. Money. Do not discuss having loads of it or having too little of it. Vulgar both. (Except for my stories of living in Paris in my 20s on a few Francs a day and 3 illegal jobs)
2. Period. Do not discuss your period. Enough said.
3. Diet. No one cares if you are intolerant, allergic or cleansing. Take it outside. if you dropped, 20 we know it, if you upped 20, we know it. Don’t narrate the weight.
4. Health. No one wants to hear it. Really. Take a page from those who are dying- and dying is pretty serious, fatal even, and they don’t dwell on it. Nasal congestion and phlegm (even the word is foul)? Hemorrhoids? Bunions? Cysts? Barf. Liver acting up? Heart murmur? Bowel blockage? Please take the organ recital elsewhere.
5. Sleep. No one cares how you sleep. When you are a guest say you slept like a dream, even if you were up all night howling at the moon. If you run into someone and they ask how you are NEWSFLASH they are not asking how you sleep. And if your husband snores-leave him. Or at least get a bed down the hall.
6. Dreams. Well, this one came as a surprise to me. I have LSD like inspired dreams and I can hardly wait to tell anyone who will listen. Sometimes they are so indicative of my daytime life/struggle its like my conscious and subconscious are sleeping together. Apparently I am not supposed to share this the way I do. Surely they aren’t talking about my amazing truth telling dreams? I can take you to the movies without ever leaving the couch. My dreams are so great I might start charging admission during the retelling.
7. Route Talk. Do not talk about how you got there or how you will leave. I took Highway 49 until the overpass and then took an emergency detour through the valley to that intersection with the little church then a right at the big old tree and I avoided blah blah blah———ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Because of 7, I won’t even begin to tell you how I drove my children back to school from Collingwood on Monday and I was in the car for 10 bum numbing hours.10. Yes, 10.
See. I can’t do it.