Why did you have to get a divorce ?

This is a tough question and one that your kids will ask you, maybe scream at you or throw at you like darts at a dartboard when you are least ready to handle it.

Leaving your marriage is never a light decision, in fact many of us will stay longer in a dead marriage for our children. A friend told me that his parents separation and subsequent divorce when he was 28 was a devastating blow regardless of his adult status. When a parent dies – you are a child with a broken heart even if you are 50- when your parents split up- you are again a child with a broken heart.

When you are in a failing marriage you operate on two levels – one where you can’t believe your good fortune-health, great children, shelter, good work, family and friends who support wholeheartedly your union. But the other layer is pervasive and chases you relentlessly. You are not happy and cannot fix it and desperately need to allow yourself the colossal indulgence to leave in spite of your promises, oaths and stiff upper lip. It is an angst that can become so normalized that you look back, once through it, and you don’t even recognize yourself.

When you tell people that you are split they may ask the ages of your children. Not to wonder as to the harm inflicted but as if to say- when kids reach a certain age of independence we realize we share nothing apart from them with our spouses. The children were nurtured fantastically but not the partnership. I resent this implication and oversimplification of the hardest decision of my life- as though I left my marriage because there was nothing good on TV and soccer season was over.

Early on in my separation, I went to my brother pleading “will my children be alright?” the weight of my action pressing hard on my conscience. He said, smiling, “will any of our children be ok?” I knew what he meant- it was not doomsday but rather- yours have as good a chance as any for being wonderful human beings. I only needed to hear this once.

Anthony E Wolf wrote the New York Times bestseller “Why did you have to get a divorce and when can I get a hamster?’ insisting that although divorce is terribly difficult for children it does not have to take them down.

As with everything it is not what happens to you in life, it is what you do with what happens that makes all the difference in the world.

check out what not to say on my latest post on Urbanmoms by clicking on this

6 thoughts on “Why did you have to get a divorce ?

  1. Love this so much. You and your brother are so right and we all need to remember this. Need to go get the tissues again.
    Thanks Nancy. I am enjoying you blog so much.
    Sue
    xo

    • so glad to be making you laugh and occasionally cry- so good for us! Hope you and E are well. Thanks for reading and commenting-best-n

    • hi I have left my marriage after 36 years and I had tremendous guilt about my split family ie my adult children of 3o and 33 yrs and 2 grandchildren 2 and 1 yr. I agree that our children are afffected by loss and grief for all sorts of reasons and fantasy deaths. The research says that it is the anger that is destructive to the mental health of the children so that is the most critical issue. Adults must not pit the children against each other or share their anger about the other parent because that is harmful to thier self…ie each person deserves to relate to their parent as a child not a spouse. IT is a matter of responsibility and love of the child to state a reason for the divorce that has nothing to do with the children or thier natural stress on the family etc but due to a breakdown in the relationship of trust etc. Children from divorced parents do well with love and support from parents and other caring adults ….the research proves it with many adults who function well with compassion and intelligence to others who have had loss. Regardless of whatever happens our children look to us as models of coping ..protection against reality is false. Preparation for responsible and loving living is our parental responsibilty. That is the purpose of parenting not exposing them to a toxic home life that sucks the soul of life, joy and integrity. In my counselling experience of 25 years I heard many children of all ages wonder what their influence had on their parental stress and divorce. Each developmental stage requires this issue to be reviewed within a different context, different developmental capacity and stage. Honesty is a value of integrity that children know on all levels by our words and actions so honest, responsible caring communication is integrity and healing for all of the family. I hope parents will read the research to state the truth and not follow fearful judgements from ignorant by standers. Having a child does not guarantee anything perfect for the child..divorce, or death. It is a privilege to nurture their spirits so they can grow despite challenges.

      • wonderful and thoughtful response, Mary, to this difficult situation. I appreciate your feedback so very much and it will serve many others well, too
        -nancy

  2. In this day and age, I never cease to be amazed how some people still reason like folks did 80 years ago.

    My grandmother stayed in her brutal marriage all her life, and it was such a huge source of sorrow for everyone witnessing it, including her grandchildren. It scarred each of their 5 boys.

    How much more impotent could a child feel but watch their beloved rolemodel languishing in a bad marriage endlessly? Still people confuse giving something their all with having nothing left.

    • ‘giving something their all with having nothing left’ is a beautiful way to describe emptiness. There must be that moment when each boy realized that this is not normal or love and what a sad moment that it. How did each grown boy do in their marriages? I would be so curious to know….

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