Because women love to talk and repeat themselves and then talk some more, the lessons from mom are very high in volume. So much so that they sometimes fade in importance, or the child is confused as to the origin and sometimes the point of the lesson. Dad, on the other hand, typically says fewer things, is around a little less and his lessons hold more weight maybe because they are not anchored by clean your room, brush your teeth and sit up straight.
A dad will teach you how to snap your fingers, whistle, whittle wood, make a fire, laugh at yourself, drink a beer, blame the dog when you pass gas, change a tire, ride a bike, do something every day that scares you and throw not like a girl.
My dad taught me how to listen, look people dead in the eye, keep my word, empathize with and cheer for the underdog, smoke a pipe, call a spade a spade to its face, give nicknames to people you care about, push, tease, ask for, and swim underwater for the whole length of the pool. But the thing he held in highest esteem was something he called ‘sticktoitiveness’. This is not giving up or giving in no matter how tough it gets. Once in a job that I could not make work, I took him out for lunch, presented the whole thing and basically asked permission to give up.
Later when I had to give up on my marriage, stick- to- it -iveness made me stay and try until it almost killed me. However, I never need to wonder if I did everything I could. I cannot regret or think I gave up too easily.
At that point, I could not discuss it intelligently with my father as he was already in the later stages of Dementia. One day recently he watched me intently as I was writing this blog and he asked what I was writing about. I told him separation and divorce. He said ” Oh my, I do not want to get divorced”. I said ‘you won’t dad but I am’. He said “It must have been very hard for you to give up.”
At my wedding, my father turned to my brand new husband and said quietly “You are going to love living with her.” Of all the things he ever said about me or to me this was the very highest compliment.
Happy Father’s Day, dad. I loved living with you too.
Are you Lucky? Check out my latest blog post on Urbanmoms- I think you will like it.
Yes you are right Nance, but he refused to teach you how to drive, not because he didnt want you to drive, but because he didn’t think he would have patience for the girl who asked “is the R for race?”
what do you mean…….isn’t R for race?
how kind, thoughtful and beautiful.
….brought tears to these eyes!
see you soon Carole-xn
Loved this Nancy. You always seem to articulate so many truths and wisdom that I relate to , but could never put could into words. Love your gift and love seeing your next blog pop up on my computer.
Thanks so much,
Sue
sue-thank you. today is a different day for us who are split- our children leave us to see their fathers- today I was with mine and felt some things about that too. Disappointment for one and a symbolism that in some ways I am both the mom and the dad.
best to you-xn
I Love the comment your father made to you “you will love living with her’. I have only found one man that I loved living with, and it was not my ex-husband, but someone I met a few years after my divorce. I had thought after my divorce, I would never be able to trust myself to love again. I had also thought I had learnt my lesson after my divorce, that life not working out the way I had been taught it should, was not my ‘fault’. I however repeated the pattern with my job a few years later. A company that was rotten from the inside out, was not going to survive. I thought, if I just worked a little harder… I could turn it around. It was not until the company failed, my ‘new love’ left me, and my father become ill, all within a few months of each other, that I finally crashed myself. On my way to recovery, with the help of a year of counseling I accepted with a healed heart, that life doesn’t turn out the way you want, even if you “stick with it’. So many of us are taught to not give up, and in doing so, we nearly kill ourselves trying to ‘fix’ life to be a certain way. It’s been 5 years since my divorce. I have not found a love again, and I am at the point (age) that I may likely not be able to have the family I had dreamed of (we did not have kids). Instead, I have had the chance to experience many things my friends with a husband and kids have not. I started my own business, learnt to snowboard and sail, and moved to the most beautiful city in the world. Life is not what I dreamed it to be when I was a young girl, and I had to morn for that girl. I am now a new women, full of new purpose, and have found a different life. In it, I have also found.. I really like living with me.
wonderful heartfelt comments, Lori. Thank you for sharing so bravely. I remember my sister in law saying early on that I will have a happy life but it will just be different than I had expected it would. I looked at her searching for the possibility that she meant I would marry again but did not ask it. After all, being divorced was where I was headed and that was different-very different- and the rest is a mystery like it is for EVERYONE! Love your life, continue making it as good as it can be but don’t give up on any idea for yourself. More goodness will likely come now that you ” love living with me”. Keep us in touch with how things continue to unfold! You sound amazing. n
I heard you on CBC and found your blog. What a lovely thing for a father to say.
I too stayed married until it almost killed me, because I worry I give up too easily. Nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you.
so glad you found me and my blog and that you don’t feel alone- read some of the archives- I think you may relate.
how have you found your peace and how is your life different today? how long ago did you split? What allowed you to do so?
What allowed me to leave? We found a place for our handicapped daughter to live. She was the only thing that was keeping us together. And now, now life is better for the most part.
this is probably the first time I have heard this and I am impressed with you already. I am so glad your life is better already. For the most part is not a bad average. best to you