conversation with fish

self portrait of ‘fish’- Habs fan extraordinaire artstudioforchildren

 

The art camper  I nicknamed “fish” for her love of water (this was my nickname at camp for the same reason) -with the  bravest outer shell, was tender last night with me.

” I miss my mom” she said, voice cracking. She has not been away from her much and never this long.

I said “I understand. I miss my dad”

Gosh. I don’t even know where that came from.

She looked at me quizzically.

“When did you see him last?”

I said  ‘in June or several years ago’

She asked lots of great and deep questions and I realized that it has been a long time that I have needed to explain Dementia in child like terms. My children were raised on his slow fading.

“He was once this man’- and I held my hands in the air the way you would if you were holding a beach ball-‘ funny, smart, tall, strong, fit, lean, good-looking and sassy. And a 1000 other things too. Then after he got sick he became a smaller version of himself-my hands travelling to the right in an imaginary line with the hands pretending to cup a smaller and smaller ball as they travelled.

Now all the campers were around us- listening intently, heads tilted.

I turned to the one with the youngest sib-“We begin life like your baby brother with no ability to fend for ourselves, we can’t walk or talk or feed ourselves – he is travelling backwards to where James started off at the beginning. His birth.

Wow,  this is getting deep.

“What kinds of things did he forget?”

“He loved to swim like you and me, fish, and one day while swimming, he completely forgot how. It was sad because I think he was aware of it. We got him out and it was fine. But he never swam again. When I swim now  I do it for him and for me.”

“Can they make him better?”

“Nope”

“That is really sad” they said.

“Yes. Very.”

 

My dad was a tough customer expecting quite a bit from us. Sometimes I wish he could see me now fully because this is the best version of me I have been yet and it would be good to tell him what I can do. He never saw my strongest strong.  He would say with a twinkle ” I am really proud of you, Nance. You are the best” and he would mean it and it would float me for months or years maybe. And then we would go down for a swim. Because we could.

 

 

my dad taught me the lesson of the sweetness of hard work. I have really only come to understand what that means in the last few years, working at a pace that is maybe a bit consuming.  But I have so come to love the sweetness that it brings – click here for thoughts on the before and after of hard work

sleeplessness

Did I replace the battery in the smoke detector? Why is he drooling? Is he sad or lonely? Will she love University? Are we out of toilet paper? Am I cold or too hot? Did I buy those tickets? Are my children going to be ok? Better than ok? OMG that was so funny today. Is that a lump in my breast? Did I turn off the kettle? Should I make an apartment in the basement and rent it out? Was it someone’s birthday today and I forgot to wish them well? Is the back door double bolted?Am I working towards all my dreams? Is what I am doing right? Golly, that coffee was strong. I will never get everything done? How does everyone else do it? I don’t want to be everyone else.What if no one thinks art is worthwhile? How much money out and how much in today? Yay, it is almost dress season. I should not have said that to him. Am I really going to be 50? I need to have more dinner parties. Did  I hurt her feelings? I talk too much. I need to take up meditation. We are out of milk. I love my life. I can’t believe I got that speeding ticket. And those nasty demerit points. Must fight it. Need to pick up that thing from that place. Try listening for a change, Nance.Is there clean underwear for everyone for tomorrow? Why is there so much hate in the world? Gosh that movie was good. Need to call my mom. I eat too much sugar. Why is my life bulging at the seams? I forgot to really thank them for everything. I take up too much space everywhere. I am losing touch with  him. Everything is up to me. Gulp.  Did I listen to my kids today or fake it? Did they listen to me or fake it? We need to have more fun. I forgot to floss again. I have no idea what day of the week it is. Yikes, $958 for that? I need to go through this house with a garbage bag and just toss stuff.  Why are we holding onto that, for example? More yoga soon. I need to cut my hair. I should not sleep on my front even if I love it.We never play board games like other families. I need to send out that email for art camp, the one for that new program and a follow up for the spring session. Am I saving enough? Jesus, you know the answer to that. If all the pencils in the house were sharp and tall, I would be so happy. Need to finish tax stuff asap. What could I be good at but I don’t know it yet? What if I never know it? I should really go after more business. I need to be more patient. Are we eating enough of the dark green veggies? I need to teach my children more important lessons. How can I be more organised? I drink too much coffee. What was that sound outside? What if I grow old alone? What should I wear tomorrow? I miss her already. So badly. Need to finish book. Need to make sure I have someone for watering garden this summer so nothing dies. I don’t like death. Oh I am a little nervous about that speech. What if I barf? Did I set the alarm for 4:30? Am I as happy as I think I am? What if we let down the entire rowing team by over sleeping? Do my children do too much? Do I do too much? Am I listening to my gut? Where does God fit in? Why don’t I make him more important? Why don’t I do more? Why are my jeans tight in new places? 50. Really? Do I like who I was today? How can I be better tomorrow? I can’t believe I burned dinner. Why did I say that to her? Slow down. Hurry up. Work form a place of love. Don’t be little. I need new running shoes. Am I proud of myself? I should bleed the rads. Did I laugh today? Shoot I forgot to go to that thing. The shed needs cleaning out. I need white paint. The car is making a bad noise. I don’t have time to volunteer  for anything – isn’t that crazy? The squirrels ate all the tulip bulbs- I want to shoot them for it. Am I a good friend? And the racoons too. Love the smell of spring. Windows need washing. How will I accomplish all the stuff I have to tomorrow? Breathe deeply. Am I a good person? Look at the time. Holy shit. I am going to be exhausted tomorrow.

I can’t figure out why I can’t sleep sometimes.

The problem with sleeping alone is you get so good at it. Click here for more on why sharing a bed with another is an absolute shocker when most of your nights are spent Flying Solo.

cooking is like love

“Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon
or not at all.”

 



While it may seem a stretch to put a recipe on a site about separation and divorce, I make the  connection.

For me cooking for my children and having them walk into a house with a good smell- something homemade ready for them- a homemade soup after school, a banana  bread  or a roast chicken   and mash potatoes dinner -has always felt like an expression of  love and comfort .

When I first separated this was even more important-   comfort  came from good warm food made with love. It is always surprising how far these simple things go.

Food is something I am passionate about – I like to think about it, talk about it and participate in it.  I remember eating melba toast once on a diet 20 years ago and thinking- this tastes like death.

This sums it up pretty well

      “I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all  I’ve lost is two weeks. “

Totie Fields

but -at the same time if you want to avoid dieting-

“Never eat more than you can lift.”
  Miss Piggy

This is something I have now made for almost everyone I care about. It is like a big pancake- it is simple and yummy and fresh -my three requisites for cooking/eating. I have made it for 2, 4, 8 and 12 people (this one serves 4). -Enjoy.

dutch babies

4 eggs

1 cup milk

1 cup flour

oven 425F

throw a hunk of butter into an ovenproof dish and pop in oven while it is preheating to melt it.

mix all ingredients in bowl

pour into ovenproof dish

bake 20-25 minutes

dust with icing sugar, cut , serve with berries and maple syrup.

As Julia Child said you don’t have to cook fancy or complicated masterpieces – just good food from fresh ingredients.
Want another easy recipe for a crowd of  kids? click here for SMORES done in the oven. Big messy hit at art camp