I saw an old friend who lives on the West Coast last week . She split from her husband the same time that I did. She told me that she and her ex have been discussing getting back together.
I jumped all over her. “WHAT?”
She said that they are both just so distraught that they are no longer a family.
All the same issues are there. His chronic infidelity, no trust, no mutual respect.No shared goals, no mutual foundation of how to be together.
But Christmas is disjointed. Photographs are split. Sunday dinners are incomplete. There are two addresses. Everything is divided.
There is an aching feeling that something is missing.
When my former husband and I first separated I had a re occurring dream that I lost my mind, forgot everything, misplaced my senses and got back together with him. To say this dream was a nightmare is an understatement. It felt like I was standing too close to a cliff and somehow I slipped and fell over the edge.
This is how I felt when she told me this.
She said ” We miss being a family”
I get this. Oh, do I get this. More often than I let myself admit to.
BUT in my signature style – I said “But you are a family. Just different.” Honestly I am tireless in my fierce defence of this. I am so afraid of not buying into this.
She shook her head “no”.
She is still in the in between.
If you are not careful, vigilant even, you can be in the in between for years.
Your whole life even.
Before I met my current wonderful husband and remarried, I dated a man who had split from his wife the same time I had split from my ex. We were both a year and a half out. There was a huge difference in our attitudes however. While I was not comfortable with the end of my marriage, I was getting used to the idea. I was looking forward to a time when I would be happy again and in a new and healthier relationship. He, on the other hand, was far too often mentioning his ex and that it wasn’t THAT bad with her, really. Needless to say, our relationship ended and last I heard my former friend is still not with his wife but hasn’t moved on either. Sad because hanging on to a bad thing is far lonelier than moving on into the unknown!
extremely well said
thank you for sharing this Jennifer
Nancy,
I really liked this post. When life slows down for a moment, and I look around with a little clarity, I see how painful the waffle state is for many.
One very prominant one I notice is people who shift from being a good friend and confidante to a gossiper. It is really prevelant in our neighbourhood. Confused about who to trust and there is so much suffering and drama.
Then the simplest thought occured to me. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Maya Angelou says this to people in distress regardless of the nature of the in-between state.
If you keep this idea present, it really propels you to the truthfulness of “maybe it might be different” or the awareness of it is just is not so.
People can change, but if that change isn’t real…it really can be as simple as “see and believe”.
I am trying to meditate daily on three things. Deepak Chopra recommends this as the most important thing you can do to be more well than any other change you can make.
Starting with just 5 minutes of quite a day (I am still struggling with 3…) think about these questions:
1) Who Am I?
2) What Do I Want?
3) What is my purpose?
It also helps me maintain persptive about how people fit into my life, I ponder how they might answer those questions. It speaks volumes without making a sound.
Id
Id- your comments are consistently deep and meaningful. Thank you. They are so appreciated. One day when I slow down enough I will try to meditate. i think it would be so good for me
I was watching Marie Osmond on Oprah the other day, I know. Don’t judge me:)
Anyway, Marie said something quite insightful. She said, “You marry at your level of self esteem.”
I know this was true of me, my marriage and getting back together with my husband. Now, two years later, I am ready to move on with my life, thankfully.
wow. that is a good quote. a really good quote. I might even excuse it being from donnie’s sister.
I would love to hear more about your journey
My husband was/is a small dictator, even to this day, just like my father was. I have been trying to divorce him for a year a and a half and he drags his feet. He’s threatened to kill himself, ended up in a psych unit, pretty much quit his job and is now on disability, recently fired his lawyer and now has disappeared. He says he doesn’t want to get divorced and there is no way in hell I am staying married to a man who dislikes and disrespects me. I’m worn out trying to get rid of him but I will not be worn down with his bs. How’s that for a story?
I see myself in this situation. I do not like what I see, however, I come to this marriage with baggage that is hard to unload.
Going with what Deb says about self-esteem, I see now that has a lot to do with what went wrong.
Here is some advice intended for my son’s upcoming hockey tryouts, but I wish someone gave me this advice before I got married.
1) Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control.
2) Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Meaning: There is NO reason anything anyone says or does has to make you feel bad about yourself. You choose the way you interpret what happens to you.)
3) It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.
4) We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
5) The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.
(Meaning: If you put yourself down or think you aren’t good enough, you are opening the door for others to treat you the same way.)
6) Nothing reduces the odds against you like ignoring them.
7) Whether you think you can or think you can’t – you are right.
8) Don’t let anyone steal your dream. It’s your dream, not theirs.
These are excellent-thank you. I recognize a few of them but love the list. So appropriate.