I have been getting a bit of pressure lately from a few close people to admit after all that things are a little broken over here. That my family in any traditional sense is not whole.
This happens to me a lot. I have always been happier than I should be given any set of circumstances and it can have a way of bugging people. It is partially because I believe that any dedication to feeling sorry for myself or feeling the victim only contributes to this being true and continuing with increasing strength. I am also aware of my blessings and good fortune and feel if I take any of that goodness for granted it might vanish and be sent over to someone who might better appreciate it.
But here is also some truth.
It breaks my heart that I am alone at my daughter’s grade 8 graduation. I don’t prefer being alone in bed. I love whiskers and deep voices. I love the idea of having someone else help raise my children. I wish I could turn to the father of my children when they are singing their solos and smile and say ” look at our best work”. I wish there was that long road together as a family without any huge fork where it divided us in the before and after, the together and apart, the whole and not totally. I wish there was someone else to help raise them, provide for them, care for them, tease them, adore them, play with them, love them, teach them to throw, help them with math and wait on the couch with a shotgun while their dates deliver them home late.
But there isn’t.
But there is this beautiful other thing. Not the thing I ordered, not the thing read to me in the story books, not the way I dreamt it or even imagined it would be.
It is beautiful and hard. Just like yours only different because it is mine.
Beautiful Nancy,
your momamie,
Idie
Beauty full Nancy,
your momamie,
Id
Timing is everything. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own marriage and what the right next step is for me. While waiting in line for a coffee this AM, I overheard two ladies talking. One mentioned her “free” night had changed as she’d switched with her ex-husband. I thought how much I didn’t want that life – the one where I had to plan whether I’d get to be with my children and whether someone would be there to help raise them, play with them, teach them … all the things you said. And I felt sad.
Then I read your post and thought about your beautiful “other” thing. I still don’t know what the right next step is for me, but I don’t feel quite so sad anymore. Thank you!
Nancy,
Your words touch me and help me everyday. I love how you are able to put your feelings into words. No, I didn’t order this either. But it could always be worse. Thank you for helping me get through the day as a single Mom. xoxo deb p.s. I love deep voices too. I believe we will get a second chance.
this feels great-thank you for the lovely comment.
yes, we are having a second chance now and a second chance for love I am quite sure
I think the word broken is a horrible word. So you got divorced? So what? Children are not happier living with two parents who don’t like each other. I know this from my own childhood. I wish my parents had divorced.
My children have a disabled sister that took up much of my time as they were growing up, most of my time, both physically and mentally. I talked to my grown daughter last week and she is not sorry she has a disabled sister. She doesn’t think it ruined her life, she says it made her stronger, made our family closer. A family is the people who care about each other. You and your children are a family and it is most definitely not broken.
So tell those close to you to bugger off:)
thanks for that Deb!