I take a shortcut to relieve my guilt from not seeing my father more by telling myself that he would want me to work as hard as I do and that after all that work I should do something for me that represents life. That I should see friends and be a good mother and exercise and learn and expose myself to new things. And maybe sleep.
But a few days can go by and I forget to think about him and I forget to remember who he was.
I heard about a son whose father was dying, going to visit him every day. He read him books and held his hand and talked to him. His dad had cancer but his mind was alive.
I am ashamed that I don’t see him every day. I can’t seem to fit it all in . I try so hard to. Also I can’t see that my dad is dying. It is more like he is shrinking and fading like an image that is getting faint and blurry. All that he was is slowly, painfully slowly, fading away.
He was funny
He was loveable
He was hard to love
He was great to live with
He was hard to live with
He was hot-tempered
He was loud
He was good
He was bad
He was hardworking
He only emptied the dishwasher once
He loved food. Loved food.
He could only cook western sandwiches and hot dogs
He was relentless
He loved life
He teased always
He loved to swim
He loved to laugh hard.
He exercised every morning at 5
He was happy
He was wise
He was a good friend
He was difficult
He was tough
He was quietly proud
He is few of those things anymore. But it does not feel like dying. I am no expert but it feels worse.
When I don’t see you, dad- I can pretend that you are who you were. When I see you it tears away at that. It is very hard to surrender that old image to the new one.
I hear you. It is hard.
You changed your blog … I like it.
Thank you Allison. Your sis is Jen right? She helped me!
Nance, I haven’t seen your dad for so long. He looks the same. I guess I thought he would look different on the outside as well but he doesn’t. That must be difficult. I hadn’t thought of it before. Everyone that has gotten sick in my life has faded physically through their illness. Dementia leaves the body but takes the mind. I’m sure Father’s Day is bittersweet for you. Hugs to all.
Startling isnt it. He looks well- maybe a little chubbier than his old self but much the same. xxx your story is different than mine but I am sure glad we have each other.
Nancy, that article was so nice… I know what it is like as my mom and dad both suffered from Alzheimer’s… I enjoyed many conversations with your dad at the restaurant….
thank you Barb- best to you, n