This is not a Dear Jane letter.
This is a Dear Jane letter.
Your sister asked me “Do you have 10 minutes?”
She wondered how I could help.
Her heart is breaking for you. Your husband of many years has moved out. He has been having an affair.
You are devastated.
I was so sorry to hear this. There is a loss of innocence and a sadness for me when a marriage takes a terrible turn. Numbers do not soothe my soul. It does not matter that I don’t know you. I know your family. I know loss. I know grief.
You will go or have gone through many stages and they mimic those of death. DABDA. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
You may hate that it feels he has experienced no loss. He has behaved poorly and yet seems to be rewarded. He still has his kids. His life. And a new love.
You may compare what you think he has and what you feel you have.
Remember there are hidden struggles always.
You may secretly want to poison his life.
But you wont.
You will be your best. You will dig deep. You will give yourself time.
You will smile when you feel like shit. You will cry into your pillow. You will search for answers. You will beg for swift passage of time.
The growth you will experience will blow your mind. If you let it. The generosity you will experience from others will astound you. If you let it.
You will feel this is the greatest invasion of privacy of all time. But you will come to discover common threads of humanity on a level so deep it will change your life. You wont recognize yourself in a few years and I mean this in the most breathtaking way.
It will be the richest and hardest time of your life. Strangely, you may even miss elements of it it after you are through it. You will never feel possibility so wide open like this again.
You will stare down hate with love.
You will push out bitterness with compassion.
You will float above because you need to.
You will be the best you can be even when it is the hardest thing.
Because at the end of the day who we are and how we are is what we get right back.
The good that we are creates our new reality.
And Jane, it will be glorious.
I promise.
Sometimes we are the rock and sometimes we are the tree
Red Rocks, Colorado.
(She told me that you have gained strength from my blog. This makes me happy. This gives me strength)
Sending you love, xo n
A friend writes about thriving and this email landed in my inbox today. Perhaps it will help.
Wow.. Nice one Nancy.
Well said, Nancy, as always. I find it is not always a linear path and sometimes we feel like we are falling backwards after so much growth, but these words are strong and true. Even if they are just slivers of light at first, they give us strength to create our reality. And that is empowering amidst all the destruction and heartache.
Dear Nancy,
I am Dear Jane. Your letter made me cry, but somewhere in it I drew strength for the future. I cannot envision what that future might be, as I am stuck in the hell of now, but I have printed off your letter and will keep it with me. I will read it often, and I will try to rise above the sadness, hurt and anger I am feeling now. There are so many changes ahead, I don’t know where to start, but I often go back to your blog for inspiration. Thank you for reaching out. My sister is lucky to have you for a friend and I am lucky to have my sister.
Jane
Please know I oversimplify in my writing. This is a terribly hard time for you and a long journey ahead. None of it is easy and my own instruction here was very difficult at moments and sometimes impossible for me. But when I did these things all good came my way.
You are from excellent stock and are loved. You will be better than fine.
Thank you for letting me address you in this public forum as I thought it would help others as well.
I truly hope to meet with you one day soon, share some stories and hear how far you have come. It won’t be a straight line but there will be excitement in your voice, a twinkle in your eye and hope in your future.
Sending love xoxo n
I just reread this post and I am once again deeply moved by your words. You are so right, and feel like Jane and so many others out there who receive so much from your writing. Thank you again, so inspiring!