For Better or For Worse -Divorce Reconsidered- by E Mavis Hetherington  and John Kelly, offers a surprising comprehensive  study spanning several decades and measuring the effects of divorce. According to the book- there are 6 pathways out of divorce –

1. Enhancers-Successful in multiple areas of life, enhancers typically emerge from little or no means and have resiliency, resourcefulness and adaptability.

2. Good enoughs-Coping, less pro active  and are knocked off-balance more frequently. Their post divorce life looked a lot like their pre divorce life. They muddle through doing alright but experienced a certain restlessness and yearning for something better in life.

3. Seeker – Eager to find a new mate as soon as possible, the Seeker is predominantly male who does not know how to look after themselves. They seek out a second marriage to validate themselves. Most seekers, upon remarriage, neglect their children from their first marriage. Prognosis for successful second marriage for this group not good.

4. Libertines- predominantly male but with a fair number of women, the Libertines pursued a wild life post divorce after having led a conventional middle class life. They sought sex and drugs to combat loneliness but after a year went back to the conservative lifestyle and often remarried after finding the wild life left them out in the cold.

5. Competent Loners- “Well adjusted, self sufficient and socially skilled, gratifying career, active social life and wide range of hobbies and interests. These have everything they need to make their lives a happy and fulfilling one” Similar to enhancers, except Enhancers often remarry and competent loners reject the idea.

6. The Defeated -Many had problems before the divorce but in most cases the divorce added stresses that push them over the edge.

I found this book had some good and comforting qualitative proof that we are not doomed as split people and that more importantly our children are not either. Again further proof that it is not what happens to you in life but what you do with what happens that matters. When I came across this list I saw myself as an Enhancer- that leaving my marriage has allowed me and needed me to enhance my life in  many incredible  ways. I also wonder about and maybe fear the competent Loner possibility. My life is full and rich and I hope that does not mean I am supposed to be alone- just because I am  good at it.

What do Oprah Winfrey, Conrad Black, me and quite likely you, have in common? Check out my other blog post of today to find out