I am the little girl

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Everytime I go see my dad everyone thinks I am my mom

Including my dad

“Oh, Judy” he always says to me. “I love you”

Everyone there will smile and ooze at me , they all love my mom, the way she brings the sunshine in and touches everyone even the forgotten and the unresponsive

I don’t do that. I am a little angry under the surface when I am there. I am sorta friendly but not as much as I am in the other world where people are well. Maybe I am not  a good person after all.

I am even a little suspicious. Are you good to him?

and then I have to say- if only because I have no idea who they are and what our inside jokes and understandings might be

“I am Fraser’s daughter”

Oh your mom, the staff say, she is so lovely and strong and it is always said to me when I have eyes so full of tears, not yet on my cheeks but don’t push it, if you are too kind or gentle with me they will spill everywhere. It might be messy.

And I feel like saying-

“Don’t you see, I am the little girl. I am just the little girl. It is not my turn yet to be so grown up. I am not my mom, I am not that strong yet. I need more time.”

And then I think of my friends who have lost parents and I think- get a grip, be a big girl. Sometimes I can sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I think he has taken one for the team to bring us all up a little. Click here for this thought I am entertaining to try to cope with the whole thing

3 thoughts on “I am the little girl”

  1. You nailed it here. My Dad too suffers from LBD. I have no other siblings near nor any other family who sees him besides me and my children (and once in a while my ex husband, bless him). Sometimes I just want to be the little girl. I want my Dad back. I was so not ready for this role reversal but then again.. neither was he. Keep your chin up but let the tears come if they need to.

  2. Allison- I thought this might resonate with you and others. You are so right- he was not ready for this either. I want my dad back too.

  3. I saw my Dad this morning and brought him his favourite tim bits which made him happy. Although it is hard (and feels too soon) to be the responsible one and looking after him, I am happy I am there for him and for others at the home who don’t have visitors. Not only do I see my father and spend time with him but others there look forward to me visitng as well. So.. there is a reason for everything. His illness has taught me some valuable lessons.

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