In the morning before I wake completely, I feel unsure about what my life is. It is not blissful but blank in those fuzzy, almost awake moments. Then suddenly and with precision, the animal claws its way into my thoughts announcing the truth. A black blanket, deep and thick but not warm covers me completely. My mouth opens wide , I make no sound but I feel myself cry. It is so deep that it does not resemble other cries. Mouth stretched open, eyes closed, no sound. Help me, I hear myself say.
It is a time that is so extremely difficult that life floats blurry around me. I look at my daughters. I would give them anything I could to make them happy. But I can’t give them the family they want. They want it so badly. I feel it like a magnetic pull; it is what they know and it feels right. This sharp knife twists through me.
Exhaustion is a gift as it forces sleep. Sleep allows me to leave my life, my difficulties and my sadness. I go to bed early because at 4:30 I will wake, as though by alarm clock, to file and sort and take apart all the issues. They swirl in a stew and each morsel is pulled out, looked at and analyzed and thrown back in. I push the stew away but it has feet and runs back to me. It is so close to my side I feel it’s heat.
The loneliness is hard to explain. It is bigger and blacker than I expected. It feels like it has no end. In it there is profound disappointment, abandoned dreams, shame and a sadness worse than death. it is a death. A death of what I hoped for and believed in. The layers do not end, they seem to reproduce. Their taste is sour and sharp.
I wrote this to myself four years ago the morning after I separated. It was a bleak moment for me and a hard one to share here and even now but it is important. Even in this darkness I knew there was light. Right away the universe began supporting me for the right choice.
I sometimes think people believe that we leave marriages easily without trying, without sadness and without remorse. It is the hardest decision to come to even when you must.
