so here’s the thing

so here’s the thing

being a good mom means slowly working yourself out of a job

there is a bit of built in obsolescence

they are supposed to leave us

they are supposed to find their own way

they are supposed to make their own life

we would not have it any other way


what if the day they were born you felt more right than at any other time in your life

what if all the good stuff you found out about yourself  was because of them

what if every moment you wanted to do a half way job you saw their example of hard work and determination and bravery and

that example made you try harder

and you wanted them to be proud of you too- so you did your best because they were watching

and when you were less than perfect they somehow loved you anyway

and forgave you

what if every lesson worth learning was learned through them

what if every day was better-SO MUCH BETTER- with them in it- their energy , their humour, their eternal optimism and hope, their natural beauty and earnest questions

but  you aren’t allowed to make them stay

I am writing notes to my daughter to try to tell her everything I may have forgotten to tell her before she goes. I feel like I am running out of time. Click here for that stuff and by the way it is lighter and funnier than this

ask and you shall receive

Rachel’s self portrait

Ask and you shall receive”

I made a resolution in January  to get better at something that I am not good at- public speaking. As with most things in life- that which we do seldom ,we do most poorly. In my work I dont give any presentations- except maybe to little people- so I have very little practice.

It is funny about wanting something. Sometimes all you have to do is say to yourself that you want it, write it down and open yourself up to it. And voila.

After no occasion to public speak for at least the last 12 years- I got two knocks at my ‘door’ since my ask.

In January, I was asked to speak about finding my passion. And last week I was asked to speak about starting  my business and how it came to be. In both cases I did not want to do it because of fear.

In both cases I said yes.

What things are you fearful of  that you are saying yes to?

It was not easy for sure. Read about how it is like being fed to wolves by clicking here


Did I replace the battery in the smoke detector? Why is he drooling? Is he sad or lonely? Will she love University? Are we out of toilet paper? Am I cold or too hot? Did I buy those tickets? Are my children going to be ok? Better than ok? OMG that was so funny today. Is that a lump in my breast? Did I turn off the kettle? Should I make an apartment in the basement and rent it out? Was it someone’s birthday today and I forgot to wish them well? Is the back door double bolted?Am I working towards all my dreams? Is what I am doing right? Golly, that coffee was strong. I will never get everything done? How does everyone else do it? I don’t want to be everyone else.What if no one thinks art is worthwhile? How much money out and how much in today? Yay, it is almost dress season. I should not have said that to him. Am I really going to be 50? I need to have more dinner parties. Did  I hurt her feelings? I talk too much. I need to take up meditation. We are out of milk. I love my life. I can’t believe I got that speeding ticket. And those nasty demerit points. Must fight it. Need to pick up that thing from that place. Try listening for a change, Nance.Is there clean underwear for everyone for tomorrow? Why is there so much hate in the world? Gosh that movie was good. Need to call my mom. I eat too much sugar. Why is my life bulging at the seams? I forgot to really thank them for everything. I take up too much space everywhere. I am losing touch with  him. Everything is up to me. Gulp.  Did I listen to my kids today or fake it? Did they listen to me or fake it? We need to have more fun. I forgot to floss again. I have no idea what day of the week it is. Yikes, $958 for that? I need to go through this house with a garbage bag and just toss stuff.  Why are we holding onto that, for example? More yoga soon. I need to cut my hair. I should not sleep on my front even if I love it.We never play board games like other families. I need to send out that email for art camp, the one for that new program and a follow up for the spring session. Am I saving enough? Jesus, you know the answer to that. If all the pencils in the house were sharp and tall, I would be so happy. Need to finish tax stuff asap. What could I be good at but I don’t know it yet? What if I never know it? I should really go after more business. I need to be more patient. Are we eating enough of the dark green veggies? I need to teach my children more important lessons. How can I be more organised? I drink too much coffee. What was that sound outside? What if I grow old alone? What should I wear tomorrow? I miss her already. So badly. Need to finish book. Need to make sure I have someone for watering garden this summer so nothing dies. I don’t like death. Oh I am a little nervous about that speech. What if I barf? Did I set the alarm for 4:30? Am I as happy as I think I am? What if we let down the entire rowing team by over sleeping? Do my children do too much? Do I do too much? Am I listening to my gut? Where does God fit in? Why don’t I make him more important? Why don’t I do more? Why are my jeans tight in new places? 50. Really? Do I like who I was today? How can I be better tomorrow? I can’t believe I burned dinner. Why did I say that to her? Slow down. Hurry up. Work form a place of love. Don’t be little. I need new running shoes. Am I proud of myself? I should bleed the rads. Did I laugh today? Shoot I forgot to go to that thing. The shed needs cleaning out. I need white paint. The car is making a bad noise. I don’t have time to volunteer  for anything – isn’t that crazy? The squirrels ate all the tulip bulbs- I want to shoot them for it. Am I a good friend? And the racoons too. Love the smell of spring. Windows need washing. How will I accomplish all the stuff I have to tomorrow? Breathe deeply. Am I a good person? Look at the time. Holy shit. I am going to be exhausted tomorrow.

I can’t figure out why I can’t sleep sometimes.

The problem with sleeping alone is you get so good at it. Click here for more on why sharing a bed with another is an absolute shocker when most of your nights are spent Flying Solo.