Monthly Archives: February 2012

sometimes

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Sometimes when I write I feel no one is there and this is good. It feels un self-conscious
But sometimes when I write I wonder how you will feel.
I think about you and how you will interpret what I say.
Sometimes   I know you will find me obnoxious, other days I will touch you, speak for you, inspire you, offend you or  piss you off. Sometimes maybe I embarrass my family a little.
Sometimes I wonder will I ever regret so much sharing?
But most days I do it because it feels so good- like a gift to myself.
And then, every now and then, I get a note like this
“I have been following your blog for about a year now, and cannot tell you how much it has meant to me as I have navigated through an unexpected separation.  It’s funny, I’m sure people tell you all the time, but I feel like I know you, and so much of what you have written has come into my inbox exactly when it was needed!  I’m sure you have no idea how many lives you have impacted in sharing your story… but surely count mine as one of them!
In a time where I have felt very alone, reading about the experiences of someone who has gone through this journey and come out better on the other side has been a great source of inspiration.  There are days when it has been very tough to imagine anything positive that could come out of this scenario, and the simple act of reading about someone who seems to have been able to rebuild in such a strong way, and who hasn’t lost her sense of humour along the way, has been a great motivator.  Never question whether your words are “landing”… I suspect they are landing in a much more far reaching manner than you know. “
Thank you CB. It means so much to know this.

Feedback in work and in life, no matter how confident you are, is critical. I have a note that I keep in my desk drawer from the mom of an artist. When I open the drawer for any old thing I see it and it makes me think about the unexpected and about the little big work we all can do.

 

sooner

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A woman I have known through work for over a decade asked me the other day how I was

For some reason I decided to be a little glass half empty for a change

I said ” I am very overwhelmed these days. Everything is good but I am extremely overwhelmed”

She said “if you could do it all over again would you do it differently?”

I knew she was talking about my separation and divorce.

And the pressure on me and me alone now

I said without blinking

“Yes, I would have done it sooner”

Then she said something others have said to me before ” How come all the separated and divorced people always seem happier than everyone else?”

Ok, first of all NO

and second of all NO

We may seem happier only because of what we climbed out of. Life was really awful before it got better. We are all we’ve got and we alone are making our lives. Truth be told , we can’t afford anymore negativity.

My never -before -felt -level -of -happiness is part what I have been through, part what I have found in myself, part my respect for the shortness of life and to an enormous extent my feeling that I am  outrageously lucky. And  my somewhat recent understanding of the power  that how we are makes us who we are.

But I wish to death that I did not need to walk over hot coals to arrive at this.

We have been through something so difficult and heartbreaking and we have found out what we are made of and what we can do.

Do we feel sad and lonely at times?Do we wish we had one  wonderful and long marriage and all the amazing and solid things that come from that? Does our heart break in half in quiet moments at the smallest things that remind us we are alone?

YES

but ‘sooner’ is still my answer.

I asked my art classes to write down what they wanted to be when they grow up expecting- adjectives like famous, or proper nouns like doctor or astronaut or firefighter but what I got was something unexpected and perfectly BANG ON. Click here for what 7 year old Heather wants to be

please return me to my planet

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This happens to me all the time.

Someone is talking about THIS and  I think they are talking about THAT.

It makes me feel like an alien.

But in a way that  I hold onto  a bit fiercely.

On the treadmill, earbuds wedged in, music WAY TOO LOUD, a woman jumps in front waving madly  and says

blah blah blah blah APPS in?

I said ‘yeah wasn’t that meal horrible?”

I was talking about a Valentine’s dinner at our club. She was at the table next to us. The food was horrible. As- in- piss -me -off -$150- horrible.

Somehow I thought she was talking about appetizers.

She made it sound very current and very ‘top of the mind’.

She said ‘I am talking about University applications’ Aren’t you glad it is over?’

Ok we both have grade 12 girls but what does this have to do with me? This is in our minds but I can’t allow it to be our only primary focus. It is their journey and we are only there to help and guide but NOT OBSESS. My 17 year old has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Do any of us? She swims in a sea of anxious, worried, stressed out teenagers. I am trying to get her to float on her back and stare at the clouds for a bit.

Yes be engaged in your life, yes do your  very best, sign up, show up, push yourself, but enjoy the RIDE. Stress is counter productive.

This reminded me of another interplanetary confusion-

When I was first separated, I ran into an acquaintance who said ” I guess you have to go through that HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, DIFFICULT  process now”

I am thinking- financial statements, court proceedings, dealing with sadness- yours, your children, your community who loved you as a unit,- separation agreements, loneliness, divorce.

She was talking about getting your child into the  Middle School of your choice.

What is the fastest way for me to return to my people, my planet?

Speaking of planets, what is with this modern collective faux grief on ours? Click here to read a million die no one cries, one dies, a million cry.